Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw

Author:John Bradshaw
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: ebook, book
ISBN: 9780757399435
Publisher: Health Communications, Inc.
Published: 2010-08-31T04:00:00+00:00

GUIDELINES FOR SELECTING A GROUP

There are certainly intimate groups other than Twelve Step groups. One might find such a group in one’s church or synagogue. Many have found nonshaming intimacy in psychotherapy groups or with individual therapists. Several things are crucial to look for:

• The group must be nonjudgmental and nonshaming. As you risk being in a group, be aware that you can leave it if you feel unduly exposed or shamed.

• The group should be democratic and noncontrolling. Each person can be real in such a group. Each person can be different. This is what no shame-based person has ever experienced.

• The leader of the group needs to model healthy shame. This means he or she will not act “shameless” (controlling, perfectionistic, rigid). The leader will be a person who is walking the walk as he talks the talk. The leader will be like a guide who has gone ahead of the group and can tell them what’s in the next valley.

• Many of us were shamed in our preverbal life by not being touched and held. Before language, the interpersonal bridge is built through touch and holding. Infants who are not touched and interacted with die of a kind of stroke deprivation called “mirasmus.” Marcel Geber, who went on a United Nations commission to study protein deficiency in Ugandan children, found their infants and toddlers to be the most advanced children in the world. It seems that the infants were continually held by the Ugandan mothers. Their bodies were in continuous contact and movement.

• Most shame-based people need a group that touches and hugs in a respectful way. What this means is that no one just comes up and hugs you. Boundaries need to be respected. If it’s too threatening to be physical, you can abstain without any explanation. You will be taught to ask if you want a hug, and you will be asked before someone hugs you.

• Finally the group must allow for the full expression of all emotions. This is the most crucial dynamic of the group process. One must be able to express feelings openly and freely. Shame is the master emotion because it binds all the other emotions. Freely expressing our feelings is like thawing out. As shame binds all our feelings, we become psychologically numb. Getting in touch with our feelings is difficult at first. You may feel overwhelmed at times. You may also feel confused. Sometimes we feel worse before we feel better. The important thing is to feel. Our feelings are who we are at any given moment. When we are numb to our emotions, we lose contact with who we are.

Go slowly in learning to identify and express emotions. This is what we never learned because of the “no talk” rules and poor modeling in our dysfunctional families. Emotions will feel strange and scary at first. We will fear being overwhelmed by our emotions. Some people will have to do more intense work with their emotions. In the beginning, just to be feeling our emotions is shame-reducing.

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